What to do with a drunken story
by Cindermist
Summary: A friend and I decided that it was time to have a little fun. What else could we do, but ridicule the worst fanfiction online? So here's a commentary for My Immortal. Make sure to check out Bob the Flying Monkey for more funny stories! Her stories will make more sense than this one ever could.
1. Chapter 1

**Alright. I'm going to jump on this crazy bandwagon, several years late I know, and write a commentary for this fanfiction. My Immortal is the worst fanfiction I have ever come across and I decided it was time to have a little fun. Does this make me a mean person? Probably. Do I give a crap? Nope! Oh, sorry, forgot to say that my friend, Bob the Flying Monkey on fanfiction, will be helping as well. She will be in italics. Stupid Fanfiction doesn't allow color changed text. Now, onwards to the story!**

**Fine, stupid disclaimer, we do not own My Immortal, for which we're grateful, or the world of Harry Potter. If this could even be called the world of Harry Potter.**

Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik** Good Lord! It's only the first few words and I want to shoot this woman. ****_Alright, here's your gun, get to it._**) 2 my gf (ew not in that way** No one was thinking it was. ****_I was thinking that. _****Thank you for the disturbing facts.**) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **What help is that? Cause we certainly don't see it.** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **Run for the hills, Justin! **MCR ROX! **Um…ok? ****_Oh, you know you love them._**_  
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX** (Try pronouncing these, it's a load of fun! ****_I did. And it was fun._****) **

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia **(She knows this is a brain disease, right? ****_She's trying to tell us something, what is it Lassie?_****) **Raven Way and I have long ebony black** (Ebony is black, you illiterate moron.)** hair (that's how I got my name** [You had hair as a child?]**) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **(****_She's the one that looks like Hillary Duff, right? _****Oh, shut up!) **(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! **[Too bad, we're going to be sticking around]**).

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **(Ah, incest, the true signs of love! ****_Just like in Game of Thrones._****)**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white** (?)**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(It's in Scotland!)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen [**Duh? Though I seriously doubt you're this age.]**). I'm a goth **(Shocking.)** (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black **(Again. Shocking.)**.

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there **(Nobody gives a flying fig. ****_I thought the goths were the people who ran around naked._**** Urgh, stop it! Too many images!)**. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink **(Because that's a gothic color.)** fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow **(So, you looked like a jacked up clown, got it. ****_No, she was copying the colors from Twilight!_**** Oh good, never been more proud to be an American.)**.

I was walking **(As opposed to skipping, like all us preps do) **outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(So…sleeting? Say it with me – ****_sleeting._****)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about **(****_Did the sleet put the sun out?_****)**. A lot of preps stared at me** (Cause you're outside in the ****_sleet_**** without a jacket!)**. I put up my middle finger at them.** (Maybe we should send her on missionary work. She has such a way with people.)**  
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice** (The voice shouted itself? Magic!)**. I looked up. It was….

**(Gasp! What suspense! Is it an assassin? Cause if it is, he got there earlier than I expected. ****_Who's this assassin you're talking about?_**** Sh, suspense going on!)**

Draco Malfoy! **(Aw, I'm gonna have to talk to my assassin. ****_You never gave me the memo!_****)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(SHY! The heck?! Since when is Draco Malfoy shy?! Give us back the real Draco! ****_Draco's put on the magical leather pants of Mary Suedom._**** Mm, leather.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(*Snore* Oh, wait, I'm sorry, that's it? What a riveting conversation. I'm sure everyone within earshot dropped several IQ points. ****_It's probably better that way. They'll die sooner and get put out of their misery that much quicker._****)**

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AN: IS it good? **(No, it wanted to kill me. ****_But thankfully I stopped it._****)** PLZ tell me fangz! **(****_So her fangs can talk to her. _****Keep your talking fangs to yourself!)**

**So, yeah, first chapter down. I mean literally down. Had to flush a copy of this just to feel better about having written this commentary. Oh how I wish for a dictionary catapult! Sorry if I bored ya'll to tears, I personally couldn't stop laughing at my stupid thought process. Let me know what ya'll think. Or don't. I don't care either way, I'm just here for the entertainment. ****_Let me know, I actually care. _**


	2. Chapter 2

**Huzzah, chapter 2! Yes, I'm back again, didn't you all miss me? ****_No, we posted earlier. You just didn't want to stop._**** No? Aw, but I like posting. Eh, whatever. I'll probably continue to plague all of you with this running commentary. Feel free to flame as it never fails to entertain!**

Chapter 2

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta **(Again, the help needed here is psychiatric care. Let me know how therapy goes.)**! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok **(Never! *Evil chuckle* ****_You're seriously scaring me right now._****)**!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom **(As opposed to in a morgue where we all wish you were. ****_*Sigh* I'll get the Grim Reaper._****)**. It was snowing and raining again** (Sleeting. It was sleeting. How hard is it to write that?)**. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had **(Bought at any Walmart in the area, I assume. ****_It's in the freezer section next to the livers._**** Good to know.)**. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends** (Truly riveting details. ****_I wonder if this is actually how she got her name._****)**. I got out of my coffin **(Wait, she drank in bed? Naughty!) **and took of **(Of? Not off?) **my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on** (You've already stated that you put it on. I guess you want to assure us that you are dressing yourself and not one of the flying monkeys you keep at hand. ****_She stole my monkey! Bill, how could you betray me?!_****)**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **(As opposed to in her skull, eyes, or anywhere else that earrings don't belong)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun** (You made a sandwich? Make me one! Wait, I take it back. I don't want a hair sandwich)**.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! **[Always with the subtlety]**) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes** (Smiling and flipping hair before she opened her eyes? Either the girls got skills or she's a creeper. Maybe it's both. ****_They were probably glued shut from her tears of having such a terrible roommate. Or the blood. Take your pick._****)**. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots **(Wait! You didn't tell us if she got up! ****_I have to know if she was naked before, because this girl never specified._****)**. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG **(Like she literally said this? Try pronouncing this as one word. I dare you. ****_Stop giving me commands! I keep doing them!_****)** I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(No, she was talking to a Draco impersonator. ****_She gets real excited over nothing._****)**  
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.** (Vampires can't blush. Where are you getting your info? Twilight? Hint: Children's books are not good references for vampires! ****_It would make sense, though. She's a goth that likes pink, so she probably likes sparkles.)_**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **(Which are now apparently right across the hall from each other. Forget the map, we're recreating the grounds!)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(Um, chill pill much? She just asked a questioned, no need to rain down curse words. ****_I think she's just a smidge bipolar._****)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **(As opposed to oozed up to you? With all that eyeliner on, I'm surprised he isn't sliding everywhere. ****_It makes me laugh every time I think about it!_****)**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.**(How do you say this flirtily? Urgh, even spelling that word has got my computer yelling at me. ****_I'd show you how to do it flirtily, but we're not gf's like that._****)**

"Guess what." he said. **(He is so cool he states questions instead of asking them)**

"What?" I asked. **(Oh, I see how it works. Only cool, gothic boys can state questions. Regular Mary Sues still have to ask them)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are **(IS! Get your grammar corrected!)** having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(I'm not sure if she stated this to Draco or not. That and the fact that this information adds nothing to my life. ****_I'd be screaming because they're infants, they shouldn't be here. When did GC come out? When they were like 11?)_**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **(Wait, so now he had to ask a question?)**

I gasped. **(Cliffhanger! Oh, how the suspense in her story kills me. ****_I'll tell you what happens. She dies…or at least that's what should happen.)_**

**I was disappointed by the lack of an author's note at the end of this story. I was so hoping to get another flame in before it ended. Oh well. Review or don't. It's all up to your, hopefully still sane, mind. If you continue to read the next chapters I can guarantee you won't be able to stay that way. ****_I have no more comments. Shocking._**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yeah, chapter 3! Sorry, no long winded intro for this chapter. Blah, blah, I don't own, blah.**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK** (Yes, cause yelling at people always makes them stop something.)**! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reviews **(Really goths? This is what you call entertainment?)**! FANGS AGEN RAVEN** (Die in a hole, Raven!)**! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte** (Oh no, you own this. Don't try and rid yourself of that shame. By the way, all of us are grateful you don't own Chralotte. Whoever that is)**.

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels **(Lord, please not this again!)**. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets** (Urgh! ****_It seems like they are so ripped it's just strings hanging from her._****)**. Then I put on a black leather minidress** (That's a skirt, moron. My computer wanted to change this to miners! Haha, can you imagine? 'Then I put on a black leather miner.' ****_And suddenly Hannibal Lector appeared!_****)** with all this corset stuff on the back and front **(So, lace? Maybe?)**. I put on matching fishnet on my arms **(Idiot. ****_She put on one fishnet? Sounds pretty nasty._**** No, fishnets are pretty popular with the clowns apparently.)**. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky** (Straight and spiky? More magic! ****_Maybe she meant spicy? Yes, I will order some garlic with that hair._****)**.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists **(Just cause? Is this your norm? I got up, ate some cereal, cut my wrist, went to school. Ya know, the norm.)**. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(The book was bleeding? ****_Apparently all over her nice outfit._****)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS **(Caps lock obviously got stuck. You have to scream this while reading the sentence. ****_TONS!_****)** of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **(That didn't stop you before. ****_Maybe she got so pale being out in the sleet that the foundation was too dark. That and she lost a lot of blood._****)**. I drank some human blood **(Again, Wal-Mart?) **so I was ready to go to the concert. **_(Remember kids, this is necessary when going to a concert. Always stay hydrated.)_**

I went outside **(Such description. Guess her book stopped bleeding. ****_Didn't even bother changing outfits._****)**. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car **(Woah, thieving from the Weasley's now!)**. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt **(Nobody cares! ****_I wonder what clothes the car was wearing._****) **(they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok! **[No, no they don't. ****_Sad that you were able to understand that sentence._****]**).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(You shouted in a depressed voice? Fascinating.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(Don't hit your head on the way. Can't afford to lose any brain cells you may have.) **(the license plate said 666 **[Not legal]**) and flew to the place with the concert** (How descriptive. ****_I think she lost so much blood, she forgot where the concert was._****)**. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs **(Great role models you are. ****_You can smoke drugs now?_**** Yeah, don't you remember Will Smith in one movie berating a guy for smoking ciga-weed?)**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car** (Hopped? Like bunnies? ****_I like bunnies.)_**_._ We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **(You would never survive the mosh…Go to the front, woman! Clear a path for her!)**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song **[You don't?! Shocking!]**).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco **(Good plan, tell the guy you're on a date with that someone else is hot. Moron. ****_Maybe she's hoping they can get a threesome._****)**, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.** (Now you're in a club? When did this happen? ****_Mary Sues defy logic, don't you know that?)_**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(Wow, the dude you're on a date with is sad? I wonder why. ****_Why?_**** I am not explaining this. She will eventually.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **(Congrats. Moron. ****_That was delayed_****.)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.** (Lies. All lies.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Urgh! Where is the real Draco?! Speaking of which, is this occurring while they mosh? Yup, they're dead. ****_What is he protecting you from? The band? The mosh? The threesome? Or that dangerous bunny in the corner, that I'm sure is there._****)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Okay, one, she is far prettier than you will ever be. So no need to cuss. Second, how can a face be blond? Does that mean my face is auburn? ****_She's jealous because Hillary could get a threesome. _****Ok, shut up about the threesome already! ****_You're only jealous because you couldn't get one either._**** *Facepalm*)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco **(That's what you think. ****_He'd have a better night after the threesome. _****Shut up! ****_NEVER!_**** *sigh*)**. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them **(Which they promptly declined when they saw your face and then proceeded to run away. ****_Like any normal person would do. So much for your threesome. _****I give up. *Steals car and drives away*)**. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled **(Cause both of you are far too drunk.) **back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… **(No suspense created! Pretty sure everyone skipped over these anyway)**… the Forbidden Forest!** (Dun dun dun! Alright people no sleeping, this is supposed to be exciting. *Goes to poke the audience to find them dead* Oops. ****_I didn't do it, I swear!_**** Liar! ****_Get back witch! _****I'm not a witch, I'm your...roommate.)**

**We survived! Hallelujah! Review, flame, I don't care. This is far too much fun and I will be continuing it regardless. ****_Tune in next week for…I'm really not sure. Come back anyway!_**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here we go again! Hope you have just as much fun reading this as I did writing.**

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(Really? Ebony's name is Enoby? Fascinating defense. ****_Think I'll name my kid this. Ah, the ridicule they will receive._****) **nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV** (From the potions she's been feeding him.)** wif her dat he is acting deferent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok **(Yeah! They knew each other three chapters before! Fortunately for us this clone of Harry Potter world does not affect our beloved books)**!

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(Um…driving? ****_I don't think he's thinking, he is drunk._****)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it **(He plummeted to his death?!)**. I walked out of it too, curiously **(It is curious that you followed him out to plummet to your death as well. Do us a favor and stay dead. ****_Please._****)**.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily **(Aw, not dead! ****_Drat._****)**.

"Ebony?" he asked. **_(Did he forget who she was? _****He's probably trying really hard, or he's just confused because of the name change.)**

"What?" I snapped **(Jeez, take a chill pill. All he did was say your name.)**.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts **[Um, why? ****_To blur her face so he can pretend like she's not hideous._****]**) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Yes, cause that's what I look for in boyfriend. Depressing sorrow and evilness. ****_How's that working for you?_**** Oh, you know. It has its downs and…well, just downs really.)**

And then…**(No suspense created!)**… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately **(I Draco? Moron. ****_Sounds pretty kinky._****)**. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree **(Keenly? Who says that anymore? Also, poor tree. ****_Let's have a moment of silence for the tree. *Silence*_**** Yeah, we're moving on.)**. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra **(Woah, take it easy with the revolutionary clothes removal)**. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **_(No, I actually don't know. It could be an apple into a lunchbox for all we know. _****They skipped sex ed. class. ****_They should really consider offering this at Hogwarts._****)**

**This really is the best sex scene ever! Couldn't stop laughing for ten minutes!**

**_Give me a peanut._**

**What? Why? We're in the middle of a story here.**

**_So? That doesn't negate the need for peanuts. Derp._**

**Keep your hands over there! I'll pass you a stupid peanut!**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm **(Blegh! We don't need to know. ****_They're going to get forest crumbs everywhere! _****Urgh, more images! Stop it!)**. We started to kiss everywhere **(You're already in the woods, where are you off to now? The shrieking shack? ****_Oh hecks yeah! Forget our clothes and just run, kissing!_****)** and my pale body became all warm **(It can't get warm as you are a vampire and have no blood)**. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was… **(Woohoo, suspense.)**….Dumbledore! **(I absolutely love that Dumbledore interrupted them. Although what he was doing in the forbidden forest we'll never know. ****_Maybe…_**** No, stop right there. He was not, maybe anything. ****_Aw, fine.)_**


	5. Chapter 5

**Damn, don't know why I'm persisting in this mind rotting activity. ****_I know why, but I'll keep it to myself._**** Anyway, hope all of you are still reading! Onward we go!**

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr **(Dang, and here I was so hoping to avoid a label. Oh well. ****_To the label maker!_****)**! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **(Really. That's the reason? I'll be sure to use this next time my parents ask why I cussed. ****_I tried that…got smacked in the mouth._****) **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx** (Yes, extra x means extra sex. ****_That threesome rears its ugly head once more._****)**! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws **(Well she apparently got these revoiws, otherwise this story wouldn't be worth looking at. ****_Don't think she can sense sarcasm._**** So, sarcasm illiterate? ****_Duh._****)**!

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Dumbledore made **(Made what?! A cake? A painting? I must know! ****_I think it means he pooped. He was so angry he took a dump. _*****Chuckles* I can accept that.) **and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily **(As would anyone who just saw two naked teenagers having sex. ****_I think I'd be clawing my eyes out personally._****)**.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted **(Haha! Great insults. ****_I think she gets these from her friends. Who are all eleven._****)**.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face** (You really should have a doctor check this out. ****_I think that's the aneurism in her name coming into play_****.)**. Draco comforted me **(****_Did he also let you wipe the blood onto his shirt?_****) Duh, what else are boyfriend's shirts for? Sex? I think not.)**. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry **(Why was McGonagall there? They're not in her house!)**.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice** (As opposed to any other kind of intercourse. ****_The intercourse of friendship. Or maybe they were just having a meal._****)**.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall **(Oh, I love her insults! Must remember to use them for my friends)**.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(First off, when does a boy actually shriek? Second, this is the lamest excuse in the world. ****_I think my brother shrieked once when I curb stomped his toe. _****Ah, so that's what having sex with Enoby is like. It all makes sense now.)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."** (What?! Yes, please go to your rooms and continue this intercourse. No one wants to look at you naked anymore. ****_Oh yeah, she never described getting dressed again. They just walked through the entire castle naked._**** Urgh, the images!)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us **(Upstairs? The Slytherin common room is downstairs. Maybe they're going up there to jump off. One can only hope. ****_Jump! Jump! Jump!_****)**.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied **(Why lie? ****_To preserve his delicate feelings._**** Oh, that's right, this is fragile Draco)**. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair **(At the same time? Talent. ****_She's probably used the hairbrush for both._****) **and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels **(Yes, cause that would be so comfortable to sleep in. ****_Duh, that's what I sleep in!_****)**. When I came out….**(Still no suspense. Honestly, I'm falling asleep)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte **(Wow, creeper. Way to bust into the girl's area.)**. I was so flattered **(****_Wish she'd been flattened and not flattered._**** *Evil giggle* Squished Enoby.)**, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(So the two rooms are connected? That's a good way to keep the hormonal teens from shacking up together)**

**That's all for tonight as we are tired and our brains are mush. We need a few hours to read a dictionary so that we don't lose the capacity to speel. ****_Oh no, it's happening already!_**** My bad. Peace out my little preps!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hola, mi amigos! Alright, I don't know what to write here. Seriously, woke up from a nap and thought I needed a good laugh. ****_She dragged me out of my room as well. She enjoys torturing me._**** It's not torture if you enjoy it. So…shut up!**

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! **(Shjt? I'm not really sure how to accomplish this act. So, I'm going to go ahead and say no.)** PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(If you add extra o's to the good does that make the review better?) **

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The next day I woke up in my coffin **_(Someone should put some nails in this thing. _****I've got the hammer, we're halfway there)**. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end **(It's a miniskirt, doesn't this mean you could see your butt if it was ripped? ****_Yes, I think that's the point._****) **and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears **(Wait, she's a vampire. Shouldn't these crosses kill her? ****_Mary Sue, duh.)_**. I spray-painted my hair with purple **(Why? Just why? ****_It's like hairspray, but stays longer and ruins your hair. _****Oh ok, we'll let Fresh Prince know that)**.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal** (Can't get that in the UK)** with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood** (Hardcore man, but the last few days you haven't eaten anything but blood. Is today a Sunday and therefore special eating day?)**. Suddenly someone bumped into me **_(It's probably on purpose. _****Duh, it was a shove, not a bump.)**. All the blood spilled over my top.** (Ah, the red blood spilled all over the red skull shirt.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily** (Any sane person would react this way, of course.)**. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it **(Oh Lord, please don't do this!)**. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **_(You were going down his face? Ew! _****Oh come now, it's not as gross as the sex scene earlier)** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore **(If you just met the dude how do you know he wasn't wearing glasses anymore? Or not have a scar?)**. He had a manly stubble on his chin **(As opposed to a girly one that all my friends have. ****_You said you wouldn't talk about that! _*****Evil chuckle*)**. He had a sexy English accent **(He hasn't anything yet. ****_It was implied by his stupid looks)_**. He looked exactly like Joel Madden **(Couldn't you start with this?)**. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko **(Um, ok? I'm pretty sure you could have stopped at 'my body went all hot.' Or just not said this at all. ****_Yes, please don't say anything)_**.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **_(He lies, he's not sorry. _****Dammit, all the boys in this story are frigging shy! ****_It's an act._****)**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.** (So, she calls him a horrid name and then it's all good? ****_She must've know him if she knew his look changed. _****Naw, she just has shorter memory span than a guppy. ****_Of course._****)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **_(Grumble? Is he upset that he didn't get away?_**** Dude, next time swerve, don't stand around and let her hypnotize you with poor grammer. ****_Yeah he's probably thinking, "This girl is so stupid, I must get in her pants. She won't remember." _****Alright, you are now the male commentator on this entire project.)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(And now we're giggling. ****_Pretty sure he just imagined her naked and he's giggling. _****Surprised he didn't die from laughter. ****_It was a disturbed giggle, I'm pretty sure he should have barfed.)_**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.** (Who wouldn't know this? Wouldn't they send out a warning to the rest of the school saying we have a vampire now? ****_You overestimate how much people care about her or the school_****)**

"Really?" he whimpered. **(Holy, heck. What kind of guys are these? Giggling, being shy and now we're frigging whimpering. ****_Take your Prozac, Harry.)_**

"Yeah." I roared. **(She roars without an exclamation point? ****_Yeah. It was probably involuntary. Maybe she's trying to hack up some blood clots.)_**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(Hmm, I wonder what this could be? ****_Surprise, I'm pregnant or you have an STD! _****Urgh, stop with the images or I'll kill you and do this story alone! ****_Don't hate._****)**

**_Thank you for tuning in again. You must be as crazy as we are._**** Hey, this is my time! Go back away! *Pushes away with a broom* Alright, comment or don't, it's up to you! ****_*Glomp* _****Aah!**


	7. Chapter 7

**One more chapter for the night! We'll see how long we can stay sane! ****_Wait, when were we sane? _****Last Tuesday for about five minutes. It got too boring.**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life** (Woohoo, title!)**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **(****_I don't know what these are, but they sound expensive._**** Maybe you can buy them cheap from the dump.) **STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(Oh no, turn me in to the man? Don't do that, I'm so afraid. ****_Pretty sure Slender Man gets you if you're reported.) _**Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS **(Satan nits? Since when?)**! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs **(So doing a contortion act and literally holding your hands. ****_Where can you buy these hands? Cause I want some. _****Probably at Hot Topic. Make sure the hand is holding nail polish)**. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? [**_I think this is actually below Mary Sues and you're just insulting them now.]_**). I waved to Vampire**_(But your hands are full of nail polish. _****And other hands.)**. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes** (****_Then I saw her face! Now I'm a depressed guy! _****I'm a believer! I could leave if I died!)**. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco **(****_You just met this guy and now you know he's jealous? _****Um, duh. She has all the men thinking what she wants. Plus, if she can read dark misery in depressed eyes from far enough away to wave, she's psychic. ****_You misspelled psychotic_****. My bad.)**. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. **(****_Apparently there are a lot of stairs._**** And places that Harry follows them.) **We went into his room and locked the door. **(Wait, he has a private room? Stupid father of pretend Draco. ****_I think it's mandatory, because everyone is getting sick._****) **Then…**(You died. ****_Please?)_**

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically **(Passively and enthusiastically don't go together my dear. ****_Omelette du fromage.)_** He felt me up before I took of my top** (I thought you already took off your clothes. ****_I think they put them back on for more excitement to take them back off)_**. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(You both had boy thingies? Plus, how old are you? Can't just say penis? ****_These are magical organs that we don't have in the muggle world) _**and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid? [**Yes. ****_Extremely stupid]_**)

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm **(You focus on his arm while having sex? Um, alright then. ****_It must be very boring_****)**. It was a black heart with an arrow through it**_(Now I understand why she's staring at it. There's a frigging arrow in his arm! _****It was my failed attempt to kill the fake Draco. I missed. ****_Clearly)_**. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words…Vampire! **(Vampire is one word. Unless it's in Latin, but I think that's one word also. Maybe it said Vamp Ire. ****_Oh, so she misread. The world makes sense._****)**

I was so angry. **(That I used a regular period to end the sentence and not an exclamation. ****_Yes.)_**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **(Um, ow? ****_And now he's broken.)_**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded **_(How did he know what she was mad about? She hasn't said, but two words since jumping out of bed.)_**. But I knew too much. **(Um, you would NEVER qualify as knowing too much.)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(And now you have them, congrats.)**

I put on my clothes all huffily **(She's a dragon now? ****_I think she means like Hillary Duff, even though she hates her stupid blond face) _**and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked **(She had time to dress, but he didn't? ****_I think he was freaking out over being broken)_**. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care **(Then why mention it? ****_I cannot comment as we have younger children on this site._****)**. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom **_(That's a lot of stomping, you must be tired. _****No she was stomping out of someplace the entire time? What place is that big that it reaches the classroom? ****_Draco's room is now connected to the classrooms._****)** where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **(These other people will not be specified or cared about. ****_They are all in your head. They just wanted to come out and watch this stuff go down.)_**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(I want to do this in my next class, but my teachers actually care. ****_She spelled it right at least. I'm shocked.)_**


End file.
